


Saviour

by MissjuliaMiriam



Series: Garrett Hawke [3]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Crisis of Faith, Despair, Discussion of the Afterlife, Gen, Male Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Platonic Relationships, Religion, Self-Hatred, discussion of religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-30 22:51:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5182622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissjuliaMiriam/pseuds/MissjuliaMiriam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Garrett struggles with his faith. Sebastian doesn't have many answers, but he has a few.</p><p>Set mid-Act II-ish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saviour

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder, as always, that my Garrett is intensely anxious and quite depressed. He's having a hard time in this one, unfortunately. On the upside, Sebastian swoops in to help out a bit, and Garrett actually asks for help (sort of).
> 
> This is mostly just me poking their relationship. I've only just started working Sebastian into this canon, so I may be writing about him a bit more coming up.
> 
> Fair warning: I made myself cry writing this.

"Ah, Sebastian?"

Sebastian looks up, then smiles to see Garrett Hawke standing before him. "Garrett," he says, warmly. Hawke looks a little discomfited; fair enough, he's an apostate in a Chantry. "How are you?"

"I - there was." Garrett stops, clears his throat. "I wanted to speak with you."

It's interesting, Sebastian thinks, that he has never heard Garrett actually _answer_ the question of how he is, except when pressed, and usually then the answer is _I'm fine_. It's very clear to Sebastian that Garrett is far from fine, but no one else seems to notice. He is, after all, quite good at hiding it. But Sebastian has known what it is to feel like he's about to crawl out of his own skin, and he sees the signs of it in Garrett. "We can sit in the pews--"

"No, it's about me," Garrett interrupts, then looks a little embarrassed at cutting Sebastian off. "You know. _Me_."

"Ah." His magic, Garrett means. "Would a confession booth do? Or would you rather go back to your manor?"

"I want... I don't know what I want." Garrett's shoulders slump, and he runs a hand over his face. He's not in mage robes right now; he tends to avoid wearing them except when they're out doing some job or other.

Sebastian rethinks the question, then asks, "Would this be easier if you could see my face, or if you didn't have to?"

"It's personal," Garrett says. "But... I do trust you, Sebastian. I think I want to see your face."

"The manor it is," Sebastian says gently, and leads Garrett out of the Chantry, considering as they go what it might be that Garrett wishes to speak with him about. Not a job, clearly, or he'd have come with Fenris already at his side. He always goes to Fenris first, when assembling their party for whatever bloody work the day would hold. But it is about his magic, and _personal_. Sebastian shakes his head, and lets Garrett precede him into the Hawke estate when they reach it.

Garrett leads him past the sitting room and up to the bedroom, to Sebastian's surprise. He's never been this far into the house before. Garrett usually stops him in the entryway - Leandra, Sebastian thinks, is not entirely comfortable with Sebastian in her sanctuary, when she has spent so much of her life running from the Chantry. Garrett is protective of his mother, and thus has so far kept Sebastian at a distance. But not today. Today Garrett offers Sebastian a seat in the single armchair before the fire, and then he paces restlessly, pausing sometimes in front of Sebastian, and then going on in his movement. Sebastian sits quietly, waiting for Garrett to find the words for whatever has so disturbed him.

Finally, Garrett stops, and he looks at Sebastian with those bright whiskey-coloured eyes, and he says, "Can I be saved?"

Sebastian recoils a little. He can't help it. "Garrett--"

"The Chantry preaches that mages who disobey are damned," Garrett says, the words spilling from his lips like water, like he can't hold them back. "That we are forsaken. And I know, I _know_ it's not my fault, it's not my father's fault for wanting to be free and not broken, it's not any of our faults for being born this way, we don't _deserve_ it. But... but can I be saved? Or should I just... accept that the best I can hope for is purgatory, and forget any hope of walking at the Maker's side?"

Sebastian takes a slow breath, and considers standing. He wants to be on equal ground with Garrett; the problem is, he's taller than Garrett is, and he'll only loom over him, which is far from what this situation requires. "I had not realized you were devout," Sebastian says, after a moment, in lieu of answering the question which he is far from prepared to face.

"I am," Garrett says. "... Sort of. As much as I can be, with my family being the way we are. I _want_ to believe, Sebastian. I want to believe that the Maker exists, that he's like some people say, and loves all his children. That there's some greater purpose for everything that's happened to me. That Bethany is at his side now, in a better place. She was _innocent_ , Sebastian, so much more than I am - she deserves to be protected."

"Garrett," Sebastian says, quiet, still a little shocked. That shock only intensifies when Garrett goes to his knees in front of him, reaches out as if he's going to grasp the hem of Sebastian's Chantry robes, and then abruptly draws his hands back, curling them in his lap as if he were a child who'd had his knuckles smacked, reaching for a sweet.

"Tell me what to believe," Garrett whispers, staring at his hands. "Tell me there's something to be done, Sebastian."

Sebastian feels tears gather, blinks them away. He reaches out, first tentatively, and then realizes that he cannot do any more harm than has already been done to this man who kneels broken before him. Carefully, gently, he sits forward and cups the back of Garrett's head in the palms on his hands, draws him forward until he can rest his head on Sebastian's knee. Garrett and Sebastian are not so far apart in age, but right at this moment, he seems unbearably young.

"There are a thousand things to be done," Sebastian says. He runs his hands through Garrett's hair, allowing himself to take minute pleasure in the silky texture of it. "I cannot tell you what to believe, but I can share my own belief with you, and that is this: you can be saved. We can all be saved, but you in particular, Garrett, you can be saved. You are a good man, maybe the best man I have ever known, and you fight every day to make the world around you a better, kinder place. You are generous with your time and your energy, you are kind and compassionate, and you have never hurt anyone who did not deserve it. You are a defender of the weak and the helpless, and even of those who are not so weak and helpless. You are a great friend, a good brother, and a dutiful son. Your magic does not make you a forsaken creature. You use it for good; more importantly, you do not use it for evil."

"I hate what I am," Garrett whispers into Sebastian's knee, a secret confession that Sebastian thinks perhaps no one else has ever heard. "I hate that I have this _thing_ inside me that makes me different from anyone else."

"You needn't."

"When I was a child," Garrett says, "my father thought that I was possessed. I'm not. I _swear_ I'm not. But my sickness... we didn't know what it was then. My father thought there was a demon, that's how bad it was. But it was just me. Just me, just the inside of my own head. Maybe _I'm_ the demon."

"You're not--" Sebastian wants to curse. "You're no demon, Garrett. You're only a man."

Garrett shakes his head. "I wish I was better," he says, and there's a child's tone behind the words, frightened and hurting. "I wish everything would go away."

Those, Sebastian thinks, are dangerous words. He'd thought them himself at times, and it had lead to him drowning himself in debauchery. Garrett isn't that type of man; his despair would lead him down a different path, if Sebastian let it. "It will get better," he soothes, stroking Garrett's hair again and again, trying to calm him. He's still and serene, his face hidden in Sebastian's lap still, but Sebastian can sense the storm inside. "You are strong, and you are good. It will get better."

"You truly think I can be saved?" Garrett asks, and finally he raises his head. There's desolation in his eyes, absolute and crushing. "That I'm not damned?"

"You are the least damned person I know," Sebastian says, and the words ring honest. "You can be saved, Garrett. You do the work in saving yourself every day. Do not give up on that."

Garrett nods. "Thank you," he says. "I don't... know if I believe you. I want to. I know I should."

"Faith takes time," Sebastian says. "Trust me, I know. You must give yourself that time. Come to the Chantry to see me whenever you need; I'm always available for you, Garrett. Whatever you need."

"Thank you."

Sebastian hesitates for a moment, then asks, "What brought this on?"

Garrett shrugs, and pulls away from Sebastian's hands. He visibly restores his resolve; the effect is not unlike watching someone pull a hood over their face, or put on a mask. Still, the cracks are visibly, because now Sebastian knows where to look. He won't be blind again. "Just... things piling up," Garrett says. "It's something I've been thinking about for a while. I'm sorry I--"

"Don't apologize," Sebastian says, and reaches out to place a hand on Garrett's shoulder. "Don't ever apologize for being human, Garrett. You needn't be the hero all the time."

"With Kirkwall the way it is, I don't have time to _stop_ being the hero," Garrett says in a tone that implies that his words are a joke, but Sebastian keeps a deadly serious expression on his face. There's no joke in the fact that Garrett has taken on a great deal in the past few weeks, more than any man should have to. And Garrett is already fragile in ways that don't show except in private moments like these.

"Make time," Sebastian says. "You deserve a chance to relax the masks and take off your armour. Don't forget that you are human too, and you have needs just like any of us."

"I'll be fine," Garrett assures.

"I know you will," Sebastian says, and he stands, and reaches down to give Garrett a hand up off his knees. "You are strong, Garrett. Don't forget that."

"I know."

Sebastian nods, squeezes Garrett's shoulder, then says, "Walk me back to the Chantry? There will be a service in a half-hour's time - you're welcome to stay, listen to the music and talk with me until then. It's been some time since we had a chance to catch up."

Garrett smiles, and it warms Sebastian's heart. Garrett is a true friend; it always makes Sebastian glad to see him happy. "Certainly," Garrett says, and gestures for Sebastian to lead the way.

 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments and kudos are welcome. I can be found on Tumblr as motherfuckingnazgul, if you would care to come chat.


End file.
